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Hit Me Baby 1 More Time
Posted to Teevee at 02:15 PM on Jun 21, 2005

Dear Studio Audience of HMB1MT:

Vanilla Ice? Are you people on crack? He didn't even sing a cover! Did you not even notice that? I sure did. That, my friends, was a lame rap that good ol' Robbie Van Winkle himself wrote. Just because he threw the word "survivor" in there once or twice does not make it a cover of Destiny's Child. I weep that you are the ones holding the voting buttons, because if it weren't for you meddling kids, I would lovelove this show. I could honestly say that I'm not even missing Lost if we could card people (because I'm sure none of you are over 22) at the door.

For the benefit of the good people who haven't watched this show: you take a bunch of 80's musical has-beens. You let 'em belt out their biggest (maybe even only) hit, and then you ask them to sing a song that's popular right now. These chuckleheads in the audience vote on who does the best cover and the winner gets a bunch of money donated to the charity of his choice.

And while we're on the subject of travesties: Irene Cara? Irene Cara? She couldn't sing in 1984 and she hasn't gotten any better. I know hearing Britney Spears on the radio has adjusted people's definition of what a good singer is, but really. You had Wang Chung doing a hilarious cover of "Hot in Here" and you have Howard Jones singing "White Flag" the way it should have been sung all along, and you people pick the person whose voice is so far gone she needs backup singers?

I know Vernon Kay's voice does weird things to me, too, but please try to consider: cheese is good. Cheese is your friend. Haddaway writhing around on the floor to "Toxic" is funny. You kids today don't know the meaning of the word "cheesy". If you like it becuase someone is rapping it, chances are, you're missing the point.

All of you are hereby sentenced to three hours of your older sister's videotapes (you do know what those look like, yes?) of MTV circa 1987.


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