Hale Kilinahe: The Journal

JANUARY 15, 1998 I feel really strange tonight. Either I had way too much sugar today, or something is about to happen. No contractions or water breakage or anything yet, but I have a vertigoish feeling in my tummy and I feel kind of buzzy; almost hyper but not. Now that strangers are inquiring about my state, I know it's going to be soon, and it doesn't really seem real until I imagine myself with a five year old daughter. That's what scares me; mothering a small child. All you really have to do for a baby is love it, but a child requires a delicate mix of a firm hand and a gentle one; a combination of teaching and affection. It's all learned as you go; I know. Some people don't learn, though. Anyone can be a mother, but few are good mothers. I feel my worth as a person hinges on my being a good mother. Parenthood is the single most important accomplishment of a person's life, whether one is a janitor or the President, simply because another person's life hangs in the balance. I can't screw up. This is it. No more goofing off. Work was hellish today. My boss was pissed off at nothing, and when she's like that I find it easiest just to not come in any contact with her. It's when she's stomping around, foaming at the mouth when I just want to quit the stupid position and say, "the hell with it." I'm not her wrangler. I'm down to my last week. I'll never forget it. Allegedly, the AC will be fixed sometime tomorrow. It's going to be crazy and happy, I hope. Something to remember. < BACK | TOP | NEXT >